-SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
-COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
-FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
-NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
-BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk
away…
-TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
-SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
-AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
-ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving
you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
-A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
-A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market
it worldwide.
-A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
-AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
-A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
-A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
-A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
-AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
-A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
-AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….
-AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
-A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by children) VERY WISE CHILDREN !!!!!!!!
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan , age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen , age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille , age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette , age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
Read more…
At last a doctor that gives good advice with common sense.
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
One of the reason our country is over nine trillion dollars in debt is based on the attitude one takes when making purchases.
When a person is buying something for themselves, what are the concerns? Simple – the buyer is concerned with both quality and price.
Please note however, when a person is using their own money buying something for someone else, the concern is mainly price.
Please observe, when a person is spending someone else’s money on something for themselves the concern is mainly quality.
And here is the rub, when a buyer is spending someone else’s money on something for someone else, he is generally not concerned with quality or price.
And this, boys and girls, is how OUR government spends OUR money.
P.S. Do upcoming health care discussions come to mind?
“Professional Athletes or Professional Embarrassments” The underbelly of “Professional Athletes” and what most Americans really think. From the “RoRo Raw Show” in West LA. (a Maximus-T Production)
Note: the views expressed are strictly those of the commentator and as such are protected by the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. GO USA!!!
AIN’T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in the UNITED STATES .
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Community ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant.But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.
A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline. A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year. So, getting rid of each average clunker will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.US consumption.
They claim 700,000 vehicles – so that’s 224 million gallons / year
That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.
5 million barrels of oil is about 1/4 of one day’s
And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $ 350 million dollars at $75/bbl.
So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $350 million.
AND THESE CLOWNS WANT TO RUN OUR HEALTH CARE???
It was only a matter of time until we found photographic proof of Elvis & Michael Jackson found alive in Tupelo, Mississippi.
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska .
Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world’s oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States .
Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy % of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e..), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village .’
“RoRo Morning Sitdown”, RoRo knoks it up with straight 
n the “firing line jokes”, Raw, edgy, 90 seconds of quick-nonstop. Take them to work and impress. Catch a ton of jokes in the humor section of my blog: www.54whm.wordpress.com . see you manyana!!!
A Condensed Version of History
For those that don’t know about history…… here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2.. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer..
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Yes. I have a french Bulldog named Maxinus-T. But don’t let your Gaydar go up I’m a total West LA hetero. Max is a total alpha dog and he likes to fight with Roomba our robotic floor cleaner. this is funny. Who’s next, Mayfield!!!
Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia , at just 1.75 sq. miles.
Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome , Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.
S.M.O.M
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.MO .M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island . There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain
SPAIN literally means ‘the land of rabbits.’
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota , was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there..
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada : 75%.
Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas . It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
United States
The Interstate System requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet. IT is 15 times higher than Niagara Falls
The rape murder of an 82 year old woman that was commited 34 years ago appears to be solved. This is paraphased from the LA Times 9/11/09. A Los Angeles man was stopped for a routine traffic violation and it was dicovered that his DNA matched that at the crime scene (I have no idea why DNA would come up in a trafic stop??).
Horible, horrible crime but here is the conundrum: the rape/murder was commited in 1975. At the time the suspect was 16 years old, a juvenile. He is now 50 but is being arraigned in a LA county juvenile court instead of adult court.
This begs a ton of ethical, moral and legal questions. I’m not sure I quite understand the intent of the courts. I could use your feedback,
Thanks, 54
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775″, he said.
Very good! Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’”? Again, no response except from Little Johnny, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed; Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F@#$ </mc/compose?to=F@#$> the Indians.” ”Who said that?” she demanded. Little Johnny put his hand up, “General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?” Again, Little Johnny says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ”Oh shit! We’re screwed!” Little Johnny bowed his head and said quietly, “The American people, November 4
Little Johnny is a smart kid
54
Message from the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
Recent Comments