Yahoo News: “Indonesian baby born at 19.2 pounds”. Well meet our 26.2 pound baby, Maximus-T. And for you pet owners you know what I mean, He is a demanding baby. By the way he takes after his mother’s side of the family!!! (sorry Carol) (he’s a Frenchie) Go USA!!!!!
For more pics and videos of Max go to: www.roxbyt.wordpress.com
At last a doctor that gives good advice with common sense.
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
It was only a matter of time until we found photographic proof of Elvis & Michael Jackson found alive in Tupelo, Mississippi.
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB????
Put about 100 bricks in some
Particular order in a closed
Room with an
Open window…
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.
If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing .
If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks..
Put them in engineering.
Read more…
LA Times 9/13/09, paraphrased: Woman cannot become a nun because her $94,000 in student loans keeps her from taking a “vow of poverty”. Humm… let’s see, no income, $94k in debt, sounds like poverty to me!!
A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac,
with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
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Clothing Donation
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to F* off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Bridget O’Reilly?’
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. “Hello?” Mrs. Sanders, please.” “Speaking.”
“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory . When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frank ly, either way the results are not too good.” “What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Al zheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV .
We can’t tell which is which.”That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders. “Normally we could, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”
Well, what am I supposed to do now? ” “The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
Boss Asks Employee:”Do you believe that there is Life After Death?”
Employee:”Certainly not, there’s no proof of it”, he replied.
Boss:”Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
> program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands
> before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
> but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
> Read more…
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings
McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.
People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico ..
Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, “Survivor, Texas-Style.”
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: “I’m Gay,” “I Love the Dixie Chicks,” “Boycott Beef,” “I Voted for Obama,” “George Strait Sucks,” “Hillary in 2012″ and “I’m here to confiscate your guns.”
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
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