-SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
-COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
-FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
-NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
-BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk
away…
-TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
-SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
-AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
-ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving
you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
-A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
-A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market
it worldwide.
-A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
-AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
-A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
-A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
-A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
-AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
-A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
-AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….
-AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
-A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
One of the reason our country is over nine trillion dollars in debt is based on the attitude one takes when making purchases.
When a person is buying something for themselves, what are the concerns? Simple – the buyer is concerned with both quality and price.
Please note however, when a person is using their own money buying something for someone else, the concern is mainly price.
Please observe, when a person is spending someone else’s money on something for themselves the concern is mainly quality.
And here is the rub, when a buyer is spending someone else’s money on something for someone else, he is generally not concerned with quality or price.
And this, boys and girls, is how OUR government spends OUR money.
P.S. Do upcoming health care discussions come to mind?
AIN’T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in the UNITED STATES .
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Community ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant.But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.
A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline. A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year. So, getting rid of each average clunker will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.US consumption.
They claim 700,000 vehicles – so that’s 224 million gallons / year
That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.
5 million barrels of oil is about 1/4 of one day’s
And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $ 350 million dollars at $75/bbl.
So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $350 million.
AND THESE CLOWNS WANT TO RUN OUR HEALTH CARE???
A Condensed Version of History
For those that don’t know about history…… here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2.. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer..
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775″, he said.
Very good! Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’”? Again, no response except from Little Johnny, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed; Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F@#$ </mc/compose?to=F@#$> the Indians.” ”Who said that?” she demanded. Little Johnny put his hand up, “General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?” Again, Little Johnny says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ”Oh shit! We’re screwed!” Little Johnny bowed his head and said quietly, “The American people, November 4
Little Johnny is a smart kid
54
Message from the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
LA Times,: “companies contemplate four day work week in response to disgruntled worker demands”. GIVE ME A BREAK, I’ve been unemployed for a couple of months now with no end in sight and I would love to have a four day work week. Those of the entitled majority (and they ain’t 50+, WHM’s) appear to be grousing about the amount of hours they’re forced to work in a five-day work week. Do the think we are French?
For those of us middle-class men living off savings and our 401(k)s, give me a freaking break! GEE do you think some of them might be tenured Gov’t employees?
And now for my poem: When we entitle those who don’t deserve Oh, what a wicked web doth comes around to bite us in the ass
It doesn’t rhyme and like the joke in my earlier post, I frankly don’t give a damn. Just a thought for today.
54WHM
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disneyland .’ Barack said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my special airplane.
The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.’ Barack said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign
them!’
The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’ Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’
The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.’
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings
McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.
People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico ..
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